The Coochie Papers

George Bush had Tom Cruise cornered in Tora Bora and let him get away

2006-08-22T06:46:00.000-07:00

Via Gaucherie, over at that there old LiveJournal, some pop culture trivia that's actually better than Firecrotch:

Osama bin Laden, the mastermind of terror group al-Qaeda, was such a fan of singer Whitney Houston that he considered marriage and having her husband Bobby Brown killed.

This is but one of several details revealed by a woman who claims she was once the sex slave of America’s most wanted man.
Sudanese poet and novelist Kola Boof, who says she was kept against her will as Bin Laden’s mistress for four months in 1996, makes the revelation in her new autobiography.
In ‘Diary of a Lost Girl’, excerpts of which appear in Harper’s Bazaar magazine, Boof claims: “Osama kept coming back to Whitney Houston. He asked if I knew her personally when I lived in America. I told him I didn’t.
“He told me Whitney was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen."

First of all, I just really love the idea that Osama Bin Laden, arguably the most influential man in all of civilization right now (driving the agendas of the West and East) is, at his core, humming "I Wanna Dance With Somebody".

It opens all kinds of doors that I never want closed.

Now, to be fair, it never says anywhere in this remarkable story that he is actually a fan of hers. He just really likes the look of the woman. And, hey--Whitney hasn't always looked like soime frightening reminder of our own frail mortality. The woman had hips. They were good hips. I remember them from being a kid, rubbing up against door frames. But that's a story for another time.

But what I REALLY love about this (other than the idea of Bobby Brown: victim of jihad) is the other big revelation here:

In her autobiography she reckons Bin Laden also had a taste for Western literature.
“In his briefcase I would come across photographs of the Star magazine, as well as copies of Playboy,” she wrote.
He would also “ramble on” about his favourite TV shows ‘Miami Vice’, ‘The Wonder Years’ and ‘MacGyver’, she claimed.

Whoa!!!

WHOAA!!!

I mean, this is the thing about jihad: you just assume that it's all business, no pleasure. We spend all of our time concentrating on the "evil" of these people, training our sights on their "wicked evil doer-ey-ness" and forgetting about their humanity: this common humanity that we all share.

I mean, sure, they may spend all day railing against the Western world and plotting the simultaneous mid-air explosion of passenger planes over the Pacific and Atlantic oceans, but when the whistle blows at five o'clock they're just like you and me: obsessed with Lindsay Lohan's tits.

I mean...I just can't even wrap my head around the image of Osama Bin Laden, tired from a day at the helm, hooking up his dialysis machine and laying back and cracking open the latest issue of Star and, "Oh my...Angelina left and took the kids! Brad must be missing Jen right about now. Chortle chortle."

And then getting all mad. "Bring me the head of Marc Anthony! He does not deserve his exotic beauty!"

"Who is this Dane Cook? Well, I never heard of him. Have him killed!" And really, would anyone stop him?

I want to see Osama go on a full-on celebrity fueled rampage. I want him to avenge Kevin's broken heart from a Wonder Years episode that Fred Savage doesn't remember filming ("But why would anybody want to hurt Danica...?").

As true Americans who believe in our collective artistic future, it is our duty to make Osama Bin Laden aware of Kevin Federline and Justin Timberlake and allow things to run their natural course.

--Christastrophe

W Strangles Merkel

2006-07-18T18:20:00.000-07:00

Moscow, Russia-
Craig Matthew Staggs

These photos from the recent G8 summit in Russia show Bush attacking an unsuspecting German Chancellor Angela Merkel.
Witnesses describe the attack as "wildcat like" in it's quickness. The Chancellor uses her much rumored German kung fu skills (The Black Forest Style) to repel the death grip. Bush, ever the eloquent diplomat, was heard mumbling after the incident that Merkel was a "tough little cunt" and went on to say he would "get her ass next time". At which point Tony Blair shot milk out of his nose and did a really bad Dave Chappel impersonation for what seemed to be no reason at all. Screaming at the top of his lungs "I'm rich, bitch!".

Funny Names and the News.

2006-07-14T13:12:00.000-07:00

-Craig Matthew Staggs (with apologies to CNN and the rest of the world)

This very serious news story about the Mid-East becomes hilarious when I replace the proper nouns with funny nouns.

Army of Tards ready for 'open war' with Poopypantsland
Rockets fly into Poopypantsland as it pounds Hemriodia

Friday, July 14, 2006; Posted: 2:26 p.m. EDT (18:26 GMT)

Itch Ass City, Hemriodia (CNN) -- Army of Tards leader Sheik Prince Brown Finger said his group is ready for "open war" with Poopypantsland on Friday, as attacks continued from both sides in the deepening crisis.

"We are ready for it -- war, war on every level," said Brown Finger, soon after Poopypantsland's military reportedly hit his home and destroyed Army of Tards's headquarters in southern Itch Ass City.

Earlier Poopypantslandi rescue services said a large barrage of rockets smashed into northern Poopypantsland, on the third day of violence since Army of Tards militants killed three Poopypantslandi soldiers and captured two others in northern Poopypantsland.

The continued rocket attacks -- including one that authorities said killed a woman and her grandchild Friday -- prompted Poopypantsland's Cabinet to approve extended military operations in Hemriodia, a spokesman for Poopypantslandi Prime Minister King Stinky said.

Dozens of people in Hemriodia have been killed since the violence began and more than 100 have been hurt in Poopypantsland and in Hemriodia.

On Thursday, two missiles fired from Hemriodia hit the center of Diareaville, Poopypantsland's third-largest city -- extending beyond the range of any missiles fired at Poopypantsland from Hemriodia in the past.

Poopypantslandi ambassador to the High Crapper Council Dan Gillerman said many missiles that have been fired from Hemriodia toward the northern Poopypantsland were made in Spermcrustistan.

"Many of the long-range missiles fired into Poopypantsland in the recent days were Spermcrustistani missiles made by the same regime that is now trying to possess nuclear weapons," Gillerman said at the High Crapper Council on Friday.

When asked by CNN what role Skidmarkia or Spermcrustistan may have played in the current crisis, Hemriodian Prime Minister Prince Peepee said it would be "strange" for Army of Tards to have "done this alone."

However, Army of Tards guerrillas denied firing the two rockets, which had a range longer than previous missiles fired at Poopypantsland from Hemriodia.
Poopypantslandis have been told to stay away from vulnerable areas but the government did not order them into bomb shelters.

Appeal to Cornhole

Peepee called the crisis a "controlled war," and described it as an opportunity for the region to address the Poopypantslandi-Turdburger problem that has existed since 1948, when Poopypantsland was created.

Poopypantslandi forces Friday hit Hemriodian highways and renewed attacks on Itch Ass City's international airport, crippling a runway.

Poopypantslandi aircraft also carried out more airstrikes on a Army of Tards stronghold in Itch Ass City and an airstrike on Army of Tards's radio station, Reuters reported, wounding at least one person. The radio station, KPOO, remained on the air, the news agency said.

Prince Peepee called on President Cornhole of Dingleberry Island and other world leaders to press Poopypantsland to halt the attacks.

Dingleberry Castle spokesman Captain Downtownfrown said Friday that Cornhole declined Peepee's request, adding: "The president is not going to make military decisions for Poopypantsland," Reuters reported.

Cornhole "believes the Poopypantslandis have the right to protect themselves and that in doing that they should limit as much as possible so-called collateral damage not only to facilities but also to human lives", Downtownfrown said, according to Reuters.

King Stinky said Poopypantsland would not halt its offensive until Army of Tards was disarmed, AP reported. He made the comment in a telephone conversation with High Crapper Council Secretary-General Rocky Shitsandwich, Poopypantslandi government officials said.

Police reported that Wolfbait rockets were hitting towns in northern Poopypantsland -- five rockets hit Poop, five struck Loaf, two hit Juicyfart and four hit Creampie. Also, the IPF reported a barrage of Wolfbait rockets had hit The Isle of Cum.

Attacks on northern Poopypantsland have killed at least four people and more than 100 have been wounded, officials say.

Poopypantsland launched the military operation against Army of Tards after the group's militants killed three Poopypantslandi soldiers and kidnapped two others from northern Poopypantsland on Wednesday. Five more Poopypantslandi soldiers have been killed since.

Since the fighting began, Poopypantslandi attacks on what it sees as Army of Tards targets in Hemriodia have killed at least 63 Hemriodian people, including two soldiers, and wounded 167 others, Hemriodia's internal security forces told CNN on Friday.

Diplomatic efforts to calm the crisis resumed at the High Crapper Council Security Council on Dingleberry Island, at the convening of an "urgent meeting."

Before Friday's bombing of Itch Ass City airport, Dingleberry Island helped broker an unusual deal that allowed a runway at the Itch Ass City airport to be repaired long enough to allow a private aircraft carrying former Hemriodian Prime Minister Pissy McUrine and five planes from Pants Foam Airlines to take off.

Poopypantsland's navy continued its blockade of Hemriodian ports, including Hairy Palms and The District of Double Penetration.

Overnight, IPF warplanes attacked 18 targets in Hemriodia, including the headquarters for the Skidmarkian-backed Popular Front for the Liberation of Turdburger in east Hemriodia.

Poopypantslandi planes also attacked Army of Tards headquarters in southern Itch Ass City overnight, according to IPF. Bridges and roads leading to the offices were destroyed in the operation.

Along the Poopypantsland-Hemriodia border, IPF attacked two Army of Tards outposts, a weapons storage facility used by militants and three fuel stations south of Taint.

Despite several countries -- including the Dingleberry Island and Hemriodia -- contending that Hemriodia doesn't have the capacity to extend its authority into Army of Tards-held territory, Poopypantsland has blamed the Hemriodian government for the violence and charged it with the safe release of the soldiers.

Army of Tards, which enjoys substantial backing from Skidmarkia and Spermcrustistan, is considered a terrorist organization by Dingleberry Island and Poopypantsland. The group holds 23 of the 128 seats in Hemriodia's parliament.
Poopypantsland is also continuing military operations in Sphinkster, where militants broke an Republic of Teabaggers border fence on Friday.

Funny Word Key:
Israel: Poopypantsland
Lebanon: Hemriodia
Hezbollah: Army of Tards
Beirut: Itch Ass City
Ehud Olmert: King Stinky
Haifa: Diareaville
U.N.: High Crapper Council
Iran: Spermcrustistan
Syria: Skidmarkia
USA: Dingleberry Island
Fouad Siniora: Prince Peepee
Palestinian: Turdburger
Hassan Nasrallah: Prince Brown Finger
George Bush: President Cornhole
Tony Snow: Captain Downtownfrown
Kofi Annan: Rocky Shitsandwich
Gaza: Sphinkster
Egypt: Republic of Teabaggers

No offence intended if you intend to blow me up.

lincoln logs in me sock drawer

2006-07-12T07:04:00.000-07:00

My morning commute from Bed-Stuy to Grand Central Station has its usual cast of characters that I've grown to love, or at least grown accustomed to. There's the Huge Scary Black Guy Who Screams. He's out there every morning next to the KFC knock-off on Nostrand Avenue, standing on the corner in a yellow tank-top. He yells this constant, gruff monologue all day long and my wife and I have never ever understood a word of it. Not one. But we believe him.

Every morning I buy my paper from The Rude Deli Guy in a Wife Beater and pass the cluster of Little Old Evangelical Black ladies passing out Hightowers in the subway station. Sometimes there are young white guys helping them (do you capitalize "white"?). The White guys are easy to deter if you're hungover and wearing sunglasses underground (you don't capitalize "white", I don't think). Recently there have been a lot of cops at the transfer in Manhattan, less for security and more for making sure people walk on the right side of the corridor. 9/11 changed everything.

There used to be a Jamaican lady screaming about Jesus every morning at this corridor. It was a shrill noise, like construction, but I got used to her piercing howl.

The last few days, though, she's been forced downstairs, now preaching on the subway platform.

I wondered about this. Then I saw Them.

*****

Jews For Jesus are in town. They're on a national tour (like Whitesnake!) and they're blowing their wad in New York to the tune of a $1.4 million advertising bonanza. They're everywhere. They bought up all the ads in a couple of subway corridors so you walk an entire avenue underground looking at their candy-colored billboards calling you home. You fucking Jew bastard.

Now, I never really knew anything about Jews for Jesus before. For some reason I gave them the benefit of the doubt and, when I heard the name, I just assumed it was some sort of inter-faith effort to unite Jews and Christians. Like, Jews acknowledging the wisdom of Christ as a philosopher but not as their savior. I am, apparently, a generous man.

The funny thing is that the way I found out was via a New York Daily News column I usually only skim because of the title: "Skenazy's World", which always sounded too much like A Room of Jean's Own. But this morning Lenore Skenazy was ON POINT, calling out the tourists and throwing on her leather Warriors vest.

The problem is that the Jews for Jesus - in town this month with their biggest mission ever - say nothing of the sort. While they, too, want Jews to embrace Christ, they only call this becoming a more "fulfilled" or "completed" Jew. And to make it look, well, kosher, they dress it up with Jewish symbols.

"Acknowledge what you're doing! Acknowledge that you're asking people to convert to Christianity!" says Michael Miller, executive vice president at the Jewish Community Relations Council of New York. Like me, Miller has nothing against people with religious convictions trying to share them, so long as they don't stoop to deception. And this group is trying to look as Jewish as Jackie Mason.

"They speak of their houses of worship as 'synagogues,' and their spiritual leaders as 'rabbis,'" says David Berger, professor of religion at Brooklyn College. "They are trying to appropriate the label of Jewishness."

First off, points for name-dropping Jackie Mason.

But, yeah. These little fuckers are EVERYWHERE. And they're making an enormous push in New York right now. They've even got a seperate website from the main one for the New York mission. The only good thing I can say about it is that they flop the words so they're more honest. On the NYC website they are "Jesus for Jews". Which could read like, "Hey, Jesus thinks Jews are awesome" but is really more like, "Hey Jews! Have some Jesus! It's good for you."

On top of all this I'm generally a douche about these things. I hate people who hand out flyers. My wife chastised me for yelling at this band and telling them to go away and "keep your distance". If they weren't wearing huge neon afro wigs I might have given them a chance.

But that's the deal. Living in New York means having crap sold to you all day. Everywhere you go there's advertisements and miserable-looking people shoving menus and pamphlets and coupons and surveys and flyers at you while you're just trying to walk down the damned street. I've grown to tune most of this out.

But, like Skenazy, I've decided that the Jews for Jesus are a step too far. Go back West, you filth, and leave me be. It's hot and humid and my undershirt is soaked, and I have no time for you and your eager smile and enormous backpack.

--Christastrophe

Here is a link to a Jews for Jesus flyer featuring Steve Jobs & the iPod.

Introducing The Coochie Papers

2006-07-11T12:13:00.000-07:00

-Craig Matthew Staggs
Austin, Texas USA
The Coochie Papers is a blog featuring funny people writing about pop culture and current events. If you've been invited to write for TCP, use this post as your style guide.
Use a photo if you can. Align the photo on the right and choose the medium size setting. If you need an illustration, write me or find someone on your own.
The nudity rule is as follows:
Wet T-shirt=OK.
Titties=Not OK.
Penis on a statue=OK.
Penis on a Hasslehoff=Not OK.
Naked Bradgelina baby=OK.
Naked Bradgelina=Sadly, Not OK.
Write as often as you'd like, but try to keep up the quality. No Drunk Blogging!
This blog was a dream of Laurel and I from years past and I'm glad we get a chance to try it.
Feel free to contact TCP Staff if you like to advertise or trade links with TCP.